Greed

Christmas 2011.  Family.  Love. But...

I really dislike what Christmas highlights in my children's hearts.  Especially G.  So much so that she was disciplined right in the middle of opening gifts, she cried and I spent much of the day either crying or super sad.  I couldn't shake it.

How did we get here?  Why did I ever follow the traditions of a big Christmas?  How do we get "out" of this?

So, the details...

In the middle of open gifts when all is "going well", she comes to sit by me (looking for another gift).  I hand her one from under the tree.  I tell her that this is a special gift.  A really special gift that I made just for her.  I scoop her up, put her in my lap while she opens the package.  She removes the paper.  I say wow!  "Mama made you a box."  She giggles.  "No, Mama!"  She removes the snapfish book from the box.  Somewhat disappointed.  I say, "I really want to show you what is in this book, OK?"  Yup.

We start.  It is a book containing images of most of HER preschool art (year 1 - the day before kindergarten started in Sept 2011.

We look through a few pages.  She's not treating the pages with respect but hurrying to get through them.  I try to slow her down.  I tell her stories of each photo.  She doesn't care.  I whisper in here ear.  I'm calm, gentle, loving.  She rips a page.

Then, it began.  I was ticked.  Hundreds of hours into this project and she could care less.  It's about her.  It's HER artwork.  It's part of HER story.  You would think that she'd be interested but nope.

She just wanted to get through this thing. In her mom's loving arms. A gift that wasn't what she WANTED.  She wanted to get it over so she could get on to another package to get more stuff.  GREED.

     "Greed is an excessive desire to possess wealth, goods, or abstract things of value with the intention to keep it for one's self."  An inappropriate desire...


My heart breaks.  I don't even know how to fix this. 

Then, her favorite gift:  $1 worth of repositional erasers Santa placed in her stocking.  Seriously?  Erasers.    Great.  


Sorry to be Debby Downer over here but...
-We did Christmas Eve service.
-She sang - on a huge stage in from of 900+ people. 
-We hung stockings.
-We read the Christmas story from the Bible (which was also a negative experience this year as we had a MUCH more interesting dog visiting to entertain the kids)...I stopped reading the story.  Later, G came with her little Gideon Bible and asked me to finish the story.  So, I finished reading it to her. Sweetly, just the two of us.

-We finished this very nice nativity activity we'd worked on all week (on Christmas Day).  
-The kids cleaned out their rooms and donated toys to other kids.
-We "did" Christmas gifts for an entire family, a refugee and a single mom just barely holding onto her child.
-We are so blessed and we try to help many others...this is a part of our daily lives and yet...ugh.

Church on Christmas Day...They all went, I couldn't stop crying and I took a nap instead (who would do that?)


AHHHHH.  


Broken. 

She ended up being rocked like a baby in my arms as her heart broke.  Right by the tree.  With snow falling out the window behind us...What others would say is a "perfect white Christmas" which was SOOO not what Christmas is about.

How do I "fix" this for next year?


And I'm still asking:  Did this happen because I was overtired?  She was overwhelmed?  How inappropriately did I handle this?  How can she be a part of a family that is so generous and yet she is often very greedy?!?!?!  I mean seriously, we are a very generous family.  And she sees it/experiences it.

How do we refocus Christmas to be about Jesus?  

PS - At dinner, I learned later from my sister, that G announced to the kids "I get more presents because I have a Daddy who sends me presents."  Oh honey, if you only knew.  Z's birth mom sent him 3 gifts including a red motorized (very cool) car that he rides in.  Value = greater than what your Daddy contributes - $$-wise and sacrificially.  It's not about what you get.  It's about what you give and how you love others.

Motherhood v. Childhood

Sometimes I wonder if I should be more:
-Disappointed that my kids don't seem smart enough to be quiet when they sneak out of their beds and into each other's rooms to play at nap/bedtime.  (You know, I'm sitting in the living room. It's the room right underneath that bedroom ... where you are jumping over the laundry baskets that you have lined up! Crash, crash, crash - DUH!)

- Happy and thankful that they don't sneak.

- Disappointed that they are outright disobedient.

- Joyful that you love each other.

- Saddened by your meanness to one another.



Aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Motherhood.  Childhood.  They don't always line up to = joy.  Just sayin'.

Teeth

G has her first mobile tooth - lower left central (o). 
Also, #19 is partially erupted (November).

At some point, when I have time, I will go back and see if tooth o erupted first or p.  My theory - you exfoliate the teeth in the order they erupted.  I'm going to test it on my sample size of 2 (twins already had their teeth before arriving - except 2nd primary molars).

This is the dental geek in me.  OK. Enough.

Always comes back

The world through my children's eyes:

When I leave, Miss K often asks if I'm coming back.  After 14 months, she still worries about this.  Daily. I know why.

When people let you down. When they don't come back. When they aren't consistent.
Trauma.
Drama.
Loss.
Broken hearts.

I get it.

So, when she said it last week as I was exiting for work (something I do 5 days a week aka, normal), I heard the quiet voice ask - "Are you coming back?"  in that tone of: Are you EVER coming back?, I turned and walked to the kitchen counter where all 4 kids were sitting and asked:
Does Mama always come back?
A: Yes.

Does Mem always come back?
A: Yes.

Yes, I'm coming back!! After nap.
[Pause]

Then I asked a therapeutic question (so I thought):
Who doesn't come back?

There were varied answers but the one for which I lacked an answer:

G:  Daddies. Daddies don't come back.

I flashed my eyes at my Mom who was standing in the kitchen.  Sadness and annoyance and the POed factor of knowing that her Daddy walked out were unifying thoughts - without words.

This is my stable, 100% loved, limited trauma drama child.  Those words spoke volumes about the impact of divorce.

This comment said by G as a fact. 
Her statement caused question in the eyes of Z-man and Miss K. I saw it written on their faces.

I didn't validate or correct.
To her, this is her reality.  To Z and K, they just don't know.  M wasn't engaged - although she is ALWAYS listening.


Men - STEP UP!  To be the Daddies of your kiddies.  To become positive male role models to children without Daddies.

Then, I think about my son.  What makes me qualified to raise a son?  To even think that the outcome will be different than that of so many other men.  That one day he'll stand firm on his commitments. That he won't walk out!  Lord, help us.

And that my daughters will become women who trust.  Again, Lord help us.

And how will they respond as teens, adults, middle aged people - when someone lets them down.  How does this primal wound (loss of biological mothers) and for G, the loss of her Daddy, impact their hearts and their responses.

My heart used to ache for my son who lacked a Daddy. But you know, his heart doesn't know the deep feelings of loss that his sister (with a father) feels. He has different feelings of loss while hers are real and deep.  And honestly, I haven't even processed those feelings/thoughts for M & K - no Daddy.

And how will this be modified once they realize how babies are formed - that men are necessary to create babies.  What will the impact be then.  And the same for M & K.

Ahhhh - the heart of a mother.
The trauma of children.

And then I remind myself - He is the Father to the fatherless.

Bloody Eyes and a Nosey Nurse

Z-man had his 2nd eye surgery on Friday.  Blocked tear ducts.  Had a surgery before his 2nd birthday and it seemed to work. Until last winter.

Finally got around to dealing with it.  Surgery went well.  A little longer than last time but still under an hour.

I arrived in post op.  Nurse seemed fine. Not chatty.  The subtle conversation about "we like it when they sleep."  Well, this time he slept - over an hour.  Woke up fine.  (Last time - slept 10 mins and woke up UGLY!).

I saw blood up his arm/hand and on his face.

Nurse was distant.

Finally:  "So, where did you adopt him?"
Me:  "Hmm.  What makes you think I adopted him?"
Nurse:  Stumble over words.
Me:  "Arizona - where I lived when he was born.  I have 4 kids all together.  He's the 2nd child of the 4."
Nurse:  "I don't get it.  I just don't get how mothers can do that to their kids."

Can you say: HELLO Customer Service Survey? Oh yeah.

And that follows with all of the "Oh my God" people - from the first woman who greeted us at registration - "OMG, he's sooooo cute!" [Well, he was!  Sporting his yellow rain hat and blue rain boots.]

But, did you note on our file that I listed Christian under religious preference?  There are 10 commandments associated with that one...one is to not use God's name like that.  And it continued with a variety of nurses...the OMG comments, that is. 

Otherwise, his care was great!  Docs, nurses, etc...great!  Even the customer service guy was awesome!

This weekend has been pain management, bloody noses and eyes (weird to see blood coming out of your kids' eyes and NOT be grossed out) and lots of snuggles including middle of the night ones.

Friday night (same day as surgery), I hosted a gathering of the twins' bio siblings at our house.  Yes, same night as surgery.  It was (a lot) chaotic but I'm so glad we did this.  Total of 9 kids across 3 families (not all bio).  Started with dinner (sandwiches, fruit salad and chowder) with apple cider/milk or water and animal crackers.  Then, kids played and made a LOT of noise.  Parents tried to talk but we mostly watched the kids.  So great to see how everyone is changing.

Haven't seen everyone since summer and NEVER all together.

Saturday - Some yard sales. Ride in the country to check out the foliage and "red farms".

Z-man got a fishing pole from one of the twins' bio sib's adoptive father.  Very sweet.  Can you say SMILES all around? 

Tonight:  I'm away for the night. A birthday gift from my mom (the child care part) - a night away.  Some R&R are sooo needed.  Single mom. Career. House. 4 kids.

Elementary School has begun...

9/8/11 was the start date.
 
We'd visited the school in the May. Met one kid - Olivia. Went for a bus ride. G picked out the room she wanted - based on the stamps. I picked out the one I wanted based on the teacher. We were assigned that teacher/room!!! wooohoo - thank you, Jesus!

We went a week before school for a meet the teacher night.

We went the day before for Kindergarten screening and paperwork.

I'm going to like this teacher - Mrs. Sherry. She's experienced. Literacy rich room. caring. engaging.

The challenge will come in 2 years when our family has THREE K students (and 1 2nd grader).

I had 5 days off before the first day of school - Labor Day weekend and then I took T, W and then Th off that week - for a total of 6 days off. BEST. DECISION. in a while.

Tuesday = Z's 4 year photo shoot (a little late); K & G had eye exams. Afternoon haircut for me.

Wednesday = G-day. Went to Jo-Ann's (and she wanted to look at fabric!!!), playdate at Lauren's house (G didn't really play with the other kids and later told me that she didn't think they liked her because 'they all had blonde hair - not brown hair like my hair.' - :( ). Then to K screening. To lunch at Mama's work. To the Art Gallery for an children's illustrator's show. She'd told me ahead of time that it would be BORING but then said that she really liked it! :) Home for an afternoon snuggle/nap. Rainy day but a great day! G reported that spending time together was the best part of her day! :)

Paupi over for dinner. Salmon, cod, rice, snap peas, broccoli, carrots, milk - brain food. YUM! G loves salmon.

Mama ran to get a new dress after G announced she wanted to wear a specific pair of shoes for the the first day - for which I had no matching clothes. Lands End to the rescue. One matching dress option. Purchased at full price -!?!?

Thursday morning.

Teary Mama.
Serious G.
She was up early and in my bed for snuggles.
Played - Yahtzee with brother...last "play" as a preschooler:

Bath.

Which reminded me of the first bath I ever gave her:

Hair.

Oatmeal and applesauce.

Released a blue star balloon on our way out of the driveway.

She insisted that she walk to the bus stop and I drive.

It rained (a little). She carried a purple umbrella.

We waited with 3 other parents, another K student and two "older" kids - Georgia, Jondall, Charlie and G.

As soon as one of the other Moms asked how I was doing, I LOST it (but tried to keep it together). G was very serious. Later, when looking at the photos, she told me - "I was so nervous right then...nervous I'd miss getting on the bus!"

I'd asked her to get on the bus and turn for a photo. Nope.

She got on. Didn't look back. Sat in the front seat with a girl from her preschool "Aleaha". I was thrilled that there was a familiar face.


Watch this - I think she was ready!



(right around the older boy - and his brother)

THRILLED.
I cried.

Jumped in the car. Drove to the school. Parked in a no parking spot to jump out and get a video of her getting off the bus. More photos. Noticed that the one girl we'd met in the spring was on her bus! :) Stayed until they went into the school. Went to the K parent reception in the library. Left when I couldn't hold the tears back. EVERYONE could read it on my face.

And around the corner and they were Kindergarteners. It's Official:


Drove. No place to "be". BAWLED.
Ended up downtown. Went to the new Reny's. Bought 27 greeting cards, 3 red bowls, a new red laundry bucket, a battery organizer and 3 Christmas ornaments.

Left. Went to get a pedicure.

Home. Kim was feeidng the kiddies lunch (pizza). I ate.
Played.
Photos.

Naps - or not.

Up.

Painted a fairy mermaid on G's wall.

Made chocolate chip cookies and 'set' the table for cookies and milk.

Worried I'd be late for the bus.

Picked G up on time - with 3 other excited kids.

Happy.
Learned about her day.

Most memorable info from G:

"They were ALL NEW today." - I guess I didn't realize that she wouldn't know that.

"A kid (O) said, Nany-Nany boo-boo today." :(

"A big boy on the bus who was sitting with Mave and me said 'I don't know your name but whatever it is, I hate you'."

Real life.
Matter of fact.

I sent too many snacks (4). She brought 2 home. Ate after cookies.  Was surprised that I wrote on her bag.  She thought I bought them that way.

Liked playing outside at school. Didn't know anyone's names. Didn't even remember Charlie being in her class (kid from the 'hood/bus stop).

Oh, and she reported that some kids weren't very smart because they put their blankets on them at nap time (which is MUCH SHORTER than her last school) and not on the floor - that can be dirty.

After day 1 she exclaimed: "I can't wait to go to school tomorrow!"


She did say her bus ride was sooo long coming home - nearly an hour!

Day 2 reports included: "Mom, Mrs. Sherry doesn't have the same rules as my old school. We got outside BEFORE afternoon snack."

She refused to leave any of her stuff at school either day (blanket or change of clothes) even though Mrs. Sherry explained that she locks the door every day.

She took her little Barbara Bush teddy bear with her both days (although she blamed K for sending it the 2nd day). She did forget her USA cheering shirt (that I let her wear on day 2- !?!?) at school and was worried until I told her that it would probably be there Monday.

She is TICKED that she can't go back for Saturday and Sunday. TICKED.

The last supper...

9/7/11:

The last day of 4 preschoolers. Tomorrow, G starts kindergarten.

The day was spent with lots of Mom and daughter time. We had Monday off. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday are/will be vacation days. This is the BEST decision I've made in a while.

Tuesday - Z in the morning; K & G in the afternoon and during eye appts. Late afternoon was just me time - so needed along with a haircut!
Tuesday - G time. Went to Jo-Ann's together. (She wanted to look at fabric!!). Then to a play date with other K parents/kids. Then to K screening with her teacher. Then we went to my work for lunch (cafeteria) and then to the art gallery on campus. She'd predicted it to be boring and in the end, she loved it!! Home for snuggles - our last afternoon nap for a long time) and laughs. Then, I worked on organizing her clothes.

She announces she wants to wear a specific pair of shoes (for which I have no matching clothes!). I struggled to find something to wear with those shoes. Gave up.

Fixed dinner. Invited her grandfather over for "fish" dinner - her favorite! Salmon. Rice. snap peas. carrots. broccoli. cucumber salad. YUMMY brain food. She had 2nds on fish.

Walked with Paupi to get the mail (in the pouring rain with an umbrella - what a treat!). Home. played in their rooms for 20 mins. Bed. Told her on school nights she needs to go right to sleep. She did. (Oh, Daddy called right before bed and although my phone was going to die and she could only talk for 3 mins, it was enough to give her a big smile for her day).

When I asked what her favorite part of the day was: "Spending time with you!" I love this kid. (I try not to overanalyze thinking that could mean that she is screaming for more time with me - she gets a ton)....

Once in bed, I ran to Sears/Lands End in hopes of finding a dress/outfit to match her LL Bean shoes. SUCCESS! It's a patterned aqua dress with a little (almost) lime to match the shoes. Wish she'd selected pink to match her new backpack. She'll be all patterned up tomorrow for her first EVER get on the bus and go to school picks but...she'll love this dress (that I paid too much for...full price...but I'm glad I could make this happen). It's all in the shoes, they tell me!?!?!

Snacks made. Back pack ready. Really, this is really happening.
Have a sitter coming to help in the morning - with the other kids so I can continue to meet G's emotional needs...I mean get her to the bus and take in every piece of this experience (without rangling 3 other kids).

The end of an era.

I didn't over photograph today. I think I have two images - downstairs on a camera somewhere.

CRAP - Got to go charge the camera batteris. It's 417 am. I can get this done! :)

Z's 4 year photos

~7 weeks late...oh well.

And the boots I really wanted him to wear:  Duck