Always comes back

The world through my children's eyes:

When I leave, Miss K often asks if I'm coming back.  After 14 months, she still worries about this.  Daily. I know why.

When people let you down. When they don't come back. When they aren't consistent.
Trauma.
Drama.
Loss.
Broken hearts.

I get it.

So, when she said it last week as I was exiting for work (something I do 5 days a week aka, normal), I heard the quiet voice ask - "Are you coming back?"  in that tone of: Are you EVER coming back?, I turned and walked to the kitchen counter where all 4 kids were sitting and asked:
Does Mama always come back?
A: Yes.

Does Mem always come back?
A: Yes.

Yes, I'm coming back!! After nap.
[Pause]

Then I asked a therapeutic question (so I thought):
Who doesn't come back?

There were varied answers but the one for which I lacked an answer:

G:  Daddies. Daddies don't come back.

I flashed my eyes at my Mom who was standing in the kitchen.  Sadness and annoyance and the POed factor of knowing that her Daddy walked out were unifying thoughts - without words.

This is my stable, 100% loved, limited trauma drama child.  Those words spoke volumes about the impact of divorce.

This comment said by G as a fact. 
Her statement caused question in the eyes of Z-man and Miss K. I saw it written on their faces.

I didn't validate or correct.
To her, this is her reality.  To Z and K, they just don't know.  M wasn't engaged - although she is ALWAYS listening.


Men - STEP UP!  To be the Daddies of your kiddies.  To become positive male role models to children without Daddies.

Then, I think about my son.  What makes me qualified to raise a son?  To even think that the outcome will be different than that of so many other men.  That one day he'll stand firm on his commitments. That he won't walk out!  Lord, help us.

And that my daughters will become women who trust.  Again, Lord help us.

And how will they respond as teens, adults, middle aged people - when someone lets them down.  How does this primal wound (loss of biological mothers) and for G, the loss of her Daddy, impact their hearts and their responses.

My heart used to ache for my son who lacked a Daddy. But you know, his heart doesn't know the deep feelings of loss that his sister (with a father) feels. He has different feelings of loss while hers are real and deep.  And honestly, I haven't even processed those feelings/thoughts for M & K - no Daddy.

And how will this be modified once they realize how babies are formed - that men are necessary to create babies.  What will the impact be then.  And the same for M & K.

Ahhhh - the heart of a mother.
The trauma of children.

And then I remind myself - He is the Father to the fatherless.

Today is the day...

That my son's heart will get broken a little more when his beloved sister goes for her twice a year visit with her Daddy. He longs for a Daddy. She has one that isn't super involved. I cringe every time she talks about her Daddy in front of hime because I know it just hurts his little heart.

Please pray for Z-man today.

Please pray for G as she goes to her Father's house for 4 nights. She's older now. Can't remember the details of being at her father's house and is a little nervous.

Pray that her father has wisdom as he cares for her.

Ugh. This is what happens when adults break promises they make to and about children...broken hearts/emptiness, etc.

On another note - we are enjoying our time in AZ! Visited with their former daycare provider yesterday, went swimming, and went to dinner at our friends' house (they have 2 boys so that was great!).

Loss of a Parent

I read the blog of a BIG family.
One Mama
One bio daughter
38 children - adopted into this BIG family.
Amazing Christian Mama.
Amazing kids.
Tragic things, but love...

Here is something that struck me on her blog today:
"I will have raised them all the same, with boundaries, expectations, with education and spiritual guidance. I'll have provided stability, security, a very decent home with a swimming pool and regular meals...yet most of everything will be loudly rejected,

as accepting me painfully signifies and acknowledges their horrific loss of losing a birth parent, no matter how terrible their former circumstances may have been. It's an awful ordeal to have lost a parent, sentencing a child to a lifetime of grief, abandonment and rejection issues that will simmer under the surface forever, coloring everything they will ever do to some degree.

I can step back and comprehend, through my own tears sometimes, that they're not rejecting me, not furious with me, but with what I represent.

I represent LOSS.

I unknowingly illustrate it each day to them,"

Father's Day:
Father's Day, like it's counterpart Mother's Day, is fraught with difficulties for adopted children, reminding them of major losses and deep inward yearnings, creating an explosive mix. I'm downplaying it, of course, even the fact that I have a dad is kept low key.


Smith Household:
We will also downplay Father's Day today. Paupi and Uncle Kelly are coming over later. Both Fathers BUT not to my children.

Child #1 - lost a bio father at birth. She doesn't even know this, yet. Lost the daily interaction of a Daddy when he opted to leave before she was 2 years old. Now, she gets a call from him every 7-10 days - not consistent, not predictable but thankfully she can't read a calendar yet! But, there is pain there. He doesn't acknowledge it. But she does. And the fact that she has a father is something she torments her brother about.

Child #2 - No bio father.
No adoptive father. There was to be one but...he walked away three weeks before he was to legally become his Daddy. He cared for him for 11 weeks, signed a legal obligation to adopt and make lots of promises to be his Daddy and yet my son is Fatherless. He is old enough to make things up about his "Daddy." Ask him and he'll tell you that his Daddy lives in a red house and has a Thomas the Train movie. When he asks me where his Daddy is, I respond with "I don't know but maybe God will bring us a Daddy for you. someday."

Both children have the BEST Father - The Father to the Fatherless. Thankfully BUT that doesn't provide someone to climb up on his lap and read stories, tuck them in at night or be the recipient of a handmade gift from a nearly 3 year old.

We are NOT going to church today because they've already announced that they are doing a big thing for Fathers and well, our family doesn't really have fathers to parent children. We don't need to encourage any more discussion on a Daddy for Zade to feel empty inside. He doesn't get that God is his father, yet. Someday.

Instead, we'll stay home. All women/girls and a little boy.

I turned on TV this morning as G has woken up as a little "pill" and on our no-commercial TV station for kids, they just had two groups of kids yelling "Happy Father's Day!"....Guess that won't even work. Maybe the beach.

For those with Fathers, HUG THEM today. For those who are fathers, STEP UP. YOU MATTER. period. Don't make promises you can't/won't keep. Love your children's mothers.

OK, moving on. One thing - I'm so thankful that I had good experiences with my Dad as a child. I'm secure in it. I wonder how my kids will end up on this note.

side note: We are all called to love orphans and widows. I wonder if part of it is for the Christian men in our world to come alongside children without Fathers. To show them in human form the love of our Heavenly Father - even in their imperfect ways. If you are a man and you know of a child without a father, please consider showing him the love of our Lord through your words and actions. Maybe you could do this on a long-term basis - Kind of like a Big Brother's program. Informal but yet consistent and long term. What an incredible service opportunity.