Twins turn 4!

2/14 = Valentine's Day for most.  In our home the focus is on M & K's birthdays!!

This year - age 4!
Family time with cake & ice cream followed by:  Disney on Ice!!!

Here are the cakes (tradition that Mama makes your cake)....

K requested a "pink and chocolate doggie cake."
(2 round cakes.  Smaller round cut in half to make ears.  

Eyes are a divided oreo cookie base with Junior Mint Pupils.  Rest = frosting.

Chocolate cake (mix)

M requested a kitty cat cake..
Round cake with extra pieces cut into triangular ears.  2 cupcakes shaped into the white nose/mouth area.  All frosted with candies for accents (jelly beans, gummy green candy for eyes and twizzlers for whiskers and ear outlines).

This cake was egg free pink cake with 1 can of crush soda so her older sister could have some.

Always comes back

The world through my children's eyes:

When I leave, Miss K often asks if I'm coming back.  After 14 months, she still worries about this.  Daily. I know why.

When people let you down. When they don't come back. When they aren't consistent.
Trauma.
Drama.
Loss.
Broken hearts.

I get it.

So, when she said it last week as I was exiting for work (something I do 5 days a week aka, normal), I heard the quiet voice ask - "Are you coming back?"  in that tone of: Are you EVER coming back?, I turned and walked to the kitchen counter where all 4 kids were sitting and asked:
Does Mama always come back?
A: Yes.

Does Mem always come back?
A: Yes.

Yes, I'm coming back!! After nap.
[Pause]

Then I asked a therapeutic question (so I thought):
Who doesn't come back?

There were varied answers but the one for which I lacked an answer:

G:  Daddies. Daddies don't come back.

I flashed my eyes at my Mom who was standing in the kitchen.  Sadness and annoyance and the POed factor of knowing that her Daddy walked out were unifying thoughts - without words.

This is my stable, 100% loved, limited trauma drama child.  Those words spoke volumes about the impact of divorce.

This comment said by G as a fact. 
Her statement caused question in the eyes of Z-man and Miss K. I saw it written on their faces.

I didn't validate or correct.
To her, this is her reality.  To Z and K, they just don't know.  M wasn't engaged - although she is ALWAYS listening.


Men - STEP UP!  To be the Daddies of your kiddies.  To become positive male role models to children without Daddies.

Then, I think about my son.  What makes me qualified to raise a son?  To even think that the outcome will be different than that of so many other men.  That one day he'll stand firm on his commitments. That he won't walk out!  Lord, help us.

And that my daughters will become women who trust.  Again, Lord help us.

And how will they respond as teens, adults, middle aged people - when someone lets them down.  How does this primal wound (loss of biological mothers) and for G, the loss of her Daddy, impact their hearts and their responses.

My heart used to ache for my son who lacked a Daddy. But you know, his heart doesn't know the deep feelings of loss that his sister (with a father) feels. He has different feelings of loss while hers are real and deep.  And honestly, I haven't even processed those feelings/thoughts for M & K - no Daddy.

And how will this be modified once they realize how babies are formed - that men are necessary to create babies.  What will the impact be then.  And the same for M & K.

Ahhhh - the heart of a mother.
The trauma of children.

And then I remind myself - He is the Father to the fatherless.

Camping, Camper and Raw Emotions

I had 13 days off. Trying to use up some vacation that I'd lose on 6/1, I just stayed home for a week and then we went camping for 5 days. It started as a 4 day trip but we stayed an extra night because things were going so well.

Well, mostly going well.

We camped in our new camper (that we didn't get to bring home due to problems with the hitch), we went on a boat ride and got to touch under-the-ocean creatures, hiked where I'd hiked with my Mom as a little girl, visit with lots of family, play sporty games with an uncle and a guy cousin (male interaction for my kids is so important and lacking), etc. We ate smores. Every. single.night. The twins slept pretty well with ~6-10 outbursts per night...but slept, mostly.

Mostly well.

Except, I actually admitted that I'm having attachment issues with one of my kids. Admitted to myself. To my Mom (who was along on this trip). I've known this inside but to admit it verbally meant "I really have to deal with this." I don't even know HOW to deal with this.

3 kids I love deeply. Differently but yet the same - I'm their Mom. They are my children. The fourth. Oh, Dear Lord, help me. Help her.

Then, we returned home. And miraculously she seems to be reaching out to me. She still drives me crazy and I don't "get" her. But maybe, a glimpse of hope. Maybe.

What am I going to do if that bonding never comes? Do I move forward with the adoption? Do I (gasp) let her go? If I let her go, I let her sister go (you know, one of those kids I love deeply and have a great bond with). They are a package deal.

Then, in the night, I realized...I have to learn to love/attach/etc... I have to or I lose two. I'll lose a daughter. And, she'll lose a Mama, again. Actually, they'll both lose a Mama - again. And the kids will lose each other (the 4 of them). The second one still seems like someone else's child but the other - she's my daughter and I'm her Mama. So, is it wrong that I have to bond with the second to continue to be the first one's Mom?

Oh, that seems wrong.
Shouldn't I love her for who she is?
Can I?
Can she?

Will she ever fully trust me? Love me? Let me love her?

Will the day ever come when I touch her without hearing her say "OUCH!"? I mean come on - I can't possibly hurt her (unintentionally) every time I touch her! Or, does she feel pain? Do I represent pain to her? Deep pain of her loss? Oh, wow. That is deep.

What am I not providing that she needs? She seems so unsure of herself and her life. Is this normal? Typical? Will it ever change.

What impact does my focus on bonding with her have on the other three kids - the time I spend with her and not with them?

How can there be a child that I can't bond with? How can that be?

Is there a line in the sand that I can't cross on the adoption journey? Do I adopt knowing these things? If I write this out and I adopt, will this post come back to bite me someday?

What do parents who bring their children home from across the oceans do - you know, those toddlers/preschoolers who they don't get a "try-out" period and with whom bonding doesn't happen?

What do parents who birth children who never really bond do?

It's been nearly 10 months.
She was actually the "easier" child in the beginning and her sister was my challenge. That has passed - some time ago.

Oh the guilt.
And, what if "the state" finds out. Can I admit this? Will they come tomorrow and retrieve the kids and their belongings ... never to be seen again?

What if this doesn't work? Is my family complete with two? How can I be thinking about another placement? I have already learned that another child doesn't replace those lost. There is always a hole in my heart. Then, the guilt - how can I even be thinking about the future when the present is so...rocky.

Is this why I've been unable to settle on a middle name for this child? Is she not going to be my child? Was this just for a season? What is/was the Lord trying to teach me? Mold me? Teach my children? Teach M & K?

How.can.this.possibly.be.my.life? Oh wait, I'm supposed to be rejoicing in all things?! Really? How?

And, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Really? Yeah, really.

Oh Lord. Wisdom? Strength? Love? I need them all.

Glue & a Banana

Z only likes whole bananas with a peeling still in place. On Ground Hog Day, I handed out bananas for breakfast (or strawberries - your choice). He picked the banana. He started to peel it. Disaster: The top 1/5 of the banana broke off.

This Mama could see that this was going to be a problem - I mean I had a boy with a face full of tears who was ready to lose it.

I asked him if he wanted me to fix it.

Yes, Mama!

Oh no...how to fix, how to fix?

Purple glue stick.

I applied some glue.

I put the broken piece on the banana.

I handed it back.

Smiles all around.

I held it WITH him so he could eat it.

Amazingly, the HUGE first bite (1/5 of the banana) went into his small mouth at once.

Response: Thank you, Mama!!!!

The things I've done as a Mom - Um...I never imagined.

Joke:

How do you fix a broken pizza? Tomato paste. (Told to me by a pediatric dentist on 2/3.) I smiled thinking - um, a glue stick fixes a broken banana.

_________________________

K told me on 2/3: "Mama, I angry! (grrrr!)

Why, K?

I angry at you!

(I bet you are! I rewarded 2 children for obeying ALL day. You were not one of those children. Perhaps this will motivate you to obey/make good choices vs. intentionally peeing on the living room floor while staring down your grandmother and yelling - I PEE! as well as biting others, throwing blocks at people, yelling in anger, raging in your room, etc... I'm trying to positive reward approach vs. the 'you suck' approach for poor behavior.)

And the organization continues

A la, "K" - the child, not the adult......................



When will she stop?

Nothing seems to encourage this behavior to STOP!