Always comes back

The world through my children's eyes:

When I leave, Miss K often asks if I'm coming back.  After 14 months, she still worries about this.  Daily. I know why.

When people let you down. When they don't come back. When they aren't consistent.
Trauma.
Drama.
Loss.
Broken hearts.

I get it.

So, when she said it last week as I was exiting for work (something I do 5 days a week aka, normal), I heard the quiet voice ask - "Are you coming back?"  in that tone of: Are you EVER coming back?, I turned and walked to the kitchen counter where all 4 kids were sitting and asked:
Does Mama always come back?
A: Yes.

Does Mem always come back?
A: Yes.

Yes, I'm coming back!! After nap.
[Pause]

Then I asked a therapeutic question (so I thought):
Who doesn't come back?

There were varied answers but the one for which I lacked an answer:

G:  Daddies. Daddies don't come back.

I flashed my eyes at my Mom who was standing in the kitchen.  Sadness and annoyance and the POed factor of knowing that her Daddy walked out were unifying thoughts - without words.

This is my stable, 100% loved, limited trauma drama child.  Those words spoke volumes about the impact of divorce.

This comment said by G as a fact. 
Her statement caused question in the eyes of Z-man and Miss K. I saw it written on their faces.

I didn't validate or correct.
To her, this is her reality.  To Z and K, they just don't know.  M wasn't engaged - although she is ALWAYS listening.


Men - STEP UP!  To be the Daddies of your kiddies.  To become positive male role models to children without Daddies.

Then, I think about my son.  What makes me qualified to raise a son?  To even think that the outcome will be different than that of so many other men.  That one day he'll stand firm on his commitments. That he won't walk out!  Lord, help us.

And that my daughters will become women who trust.  Again, Lord help us.

And how will they respond as teens, adults, middle aged people - when someone lets them down.  How does this primal wound (loss of biological mothers) and for G, the loss of her Daddy, impact their hearts and their responses.

My heart used to ache for my son who lacked a Daddy. But you know, his heart doesn't know the deep feelings of loss that his sister (with a father) feels. He has different feelings of loss while hers are real and deep.  And honestly, I haven't even processed those feelings/thoughts for M & K - no Daddy.

And how will this be modified once they realize how babies are formed - that men are necessary to create babies.  What will the impact be then.  And the same for M & K.

Ahhhh - the heart of a mother.
The trauma of children.

And then I remind myself - He is the Father to the fatherless.

Bloody Eyes and a Nosey Nurse

Z-man had his 2nd eye surgery on Friday.  Blocked tear ducts.  Had a surgery before his 2nd birthday and it seemed to work. Until last winter.

Finally got around to dealing with it.  Surgery went well.  A little longer than last time but still under an hour.

I arrived in post op.  Nurse seemed fine. Not chatty.  The subtle conversation about "we like it when they sleep."  Well, this time he slept - over an hour.  Woke up fine.  (Last time - slept 10 mins and woke up UGLY!).

I saw blood up his arm/hand and on his face.

Nurse was distant.

Finally:  "So, where did you adopt him?"
Me:  "Hmm.  What makes you think I adopted him?"
Nurse:  Stumble over words.
Me:  "Arizona - where I lived when he was born.  I have 4 kids all together.  He's the 2nd child of the 4."
Nurse:  "I don't get it.  I just don't get how mothers can do that to their kids."

Can you say: HELLO Customer Service Survey? Oh yeah.

And that follows with all of the "Oh my God" people - from the first woman who greeted us at registration - "OMG, he's sooooo cute!" [Well, he was!  Sporting his yellow rain hat and blue rain boots.]

But, did you note on our file that I listed Christian under religious preference?  There are 10 commandments associated with that one...one is to not use God's name like that.  And it continued with a variety of nurses...the OMG comments, that is. 

Otherwise, his care was great!  Docs, nurses, etc...great!  Even the customer service guy was awesome!

This weekend has been pain management, bloody noses and eyes (weird to see blood coming out of your kids' eyes and NOT be grossed out) and lots of snuggles including middle of the night ones.

Friday night (same day as surgery), I hosted a gathering of the twins' bio siblings at our house.  Yes, same night as surgery.  It was (a lot) chaotic but I'm so glad we did this.  Total of 9 kids across 3 families (not all bio).  Started with dinner (sandwiches, fruit salad and chowder) with apple cider/milk or water and animal crackers.  Then, kids played and made a LOT of noise.  Parents tried to talk but we mostly watched the kids.  So great to see how everyone is changing.

Haven't seen everyone since summer and NEVER all together.

Saturday - Some yard sales. Ride in the country to check out the foliage and "red farms".

Z-man got a fishing pole from one of the twins' bio sib's adoptive father.  Very sweet.  Can you say SMILES all around? 

Tonight:  I'm away for the night. A birthday gift from my mom (the child care part) - a night away.  Some R&R are sooo needed.  Single mom. Career. House. 4 kids.