Twins turn 4!

2/14 = Valentine's Day for most.  In our home the focus is on M & K's birthdays!!

This year - age 4!
Family time with cake & ice cream followed by:  Disney on Ice!!!

Here are the cakes (tradition that Mama makes your cake)....

K requested a "pink and chocolate doggie cake."
(2 round cakes.  Smaller round cut in half to make ears.  

Eyes are a divided oreo cookie base with Junior Mint Pupils.  Rest = frosting.

Chocolate cake (mix)

M requested a kitty cat cake..
Round cake with extra pieces cut into triangular ears.  2 cupcakes shaped into the white nose/mouth area.  All frosted with candies for accents (jelly beans, gummy green candy for eyes and twizzlers for whiskers and ear outlines).

This cake was egg free pink cake with 1 can of crush soda so her older sister could have some.

Our house is like a yard sale

Out of the mouths of babes:

The kids were tasked with picking up the playroom (that they'd destroyed an hour ago).  M said to me:

"Mama, our house is like a yard sale."

Me:  "Really?  How?"

"Our house has too much stuff in it!"

I laughed and laughed and laughed.  She's right.

Camping, Camper and Raw Emotions

I had 13 days off. Trying to use up some vacation that I'd lose on 6/1, I just stayed home for a week and then we went camping for 5 days. It started as a 4 day trip but we stayed an extra night because things were going so well.

Well, mostly going well.

We camped in our new camper (that we didn't get to bring home due to problems with the hitch), we went on a boat ride and got to touch under-the-ocean creatures, hiked where I'd hiked with my Mom as a little girl, visit with lots of family, play sporty games with an uncle and a guy cousin (male interaction for my kids is so important and lacking), etc. We ate smores. Every. single.night. The twins slept pretty well with ~6-10 outbursts per night...but slept, mostly.

Mostly well.

Except, I actually admitted that I'm having attachment issues with one of my kids. Admitted to myself. To my Mom (who was along on this trip). I've known this inside but to admit it verbally meant "I really have to deal with this." I don't even know HOW to deal with this.

3 kids I love deeply. Differently but yet the same - I'm their Mom. They are my children. The fourth. Oh, Dear Lord, help me. Help her.

Then, we returned home. And miraculously she seems to be reaching out to me. She still drives me crazy and I don't "get" her. But maybe, a glimpse of hope. Maybe.

What am I going to do if that bonding never comes? Do I move forward with the adoption? Do I (gasp) let her go? If I let her go, I let her sister go (you know, one of those kids I love deeply and have a great bond with). They are a package deal.

Then, in the night, I realized...I have to learn to love/attach/etc... I have to or I lose two. I'll lose a daughter. And, she'll lose a Mama, again. Actually, they'll both lose a Mama - again. And the kids will lose each other (the 4 of them). The second one still seems like someone else's child but the other - she's my daughter and I'm her Mama. So, is it wrong that I have to bond with the second to continue to be the first one's Mom?

Oh, that seems wrong.
Shouldn't I love her for who she is?
Can I?
Can she?

Will she ever fully trust me? Love me? Let me love her?

Will the day ever come when I touch her without hearing her say "OUCH!"? I mean come on - I can't possibly hurt her (unintentionally) every time I touch her! Or, does she feel pain? Do I represent pain to her? Deep pain of her loss? Oh, wow. That is deep.

What am I not providing that she needs? She seems so unsure of herself and her life. Is this normal? Typical? Will it ever change.

What impact does my focus on bonding with her have on the other three kids - the time I spend with her and not with them?

How can there be a child that I can't bond with? How can that be?

Is there a line in the sand that I can't cross on the adoption journey? Do I adopt knowing these things? If I write this out and I adopt, will this post come back to bite me someday?

What do parents who bring their children home from across the oceans do - you know, those toddlers/preschoolers who they don't get a "try-out" period and with whom bonding doesn't happen?

What do parents who birth children who never really bond do?

It's been nearly 10 months.
She was actually the "easier" child in the beginning and her sister was my challenge. That has passed - some time ago.

Oh the guilt.
And, what if "the state" finds out. Can I admit this? Will they come tomorrow and retrieve the kids and their belongings ... never to be seen again?

What if this doesn't work? Is my family complete with two? How can I be thinking about another placement? I have already learned that another child doesn't replace those lost. There is always a hole in my heart. Then, the guilt - how can I even be thinking about the future when the present is so...rocky.

Is this why I've been unable to settle on a middle name for this child? Is she not going to be my child? Was this just for a season? What is/was the Lord trying to teach me? Mold me? Teach my children? Teach M & K?

How.can.this.possibly.be.my.life? Oh wait, I'm supposed to be rejoicing in all things?! Really? How?

And, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Really? Yeah, really.

Oh Lord. Wisdom? Strength? Love? I need them all.

Firsts: College Visit and Theater Movie (Rio) and ...

5.10.11 - Mom (and Nanny Sue and Nikhil) came with the kids to visit me at school today.

We enjoyed lunch in the cafeteria and looking at some statues from the art museum. I really like that my kids have a Mom who works in higher ed and that they can be on college campuses nearly their entire life. Z & G were on a campus in their first month of life. It's taken M & K longer but hey - they are 3!

Lunch was good. Very well behaved. Messy. Lots of choices. Nice. Simple. Cheap.

On the way out the door, Kenz looks up at her Mem and says: "My pee-pee feel better now." Loudly. Sometimes, I roll my eyes. Of course, we understood why this was important but a stranger wouldn't have. Why? She slept in a poopy diaper all night the night before and woke up with a raw butt. I think she learned a lesson. But hello - why does hanging at Mama's work/in a cafeteria elicit that kind of announcement? Who knows. She's 3.

MOVIE: The day ended with our first family trip to the movie theater. Movie: Rio 3 of 4 kids enjoyed. The boy spent most of his time on my lap with his "blanklet" but he did have a chance to sit in a theater seat.

M spent most of her time playing with the chair and TALKING while G watched the entire movie and Kayla watched most of it (and held her baby doll).

They were thrilled to each get 3 peanut butter M-n-Ms. I was thrilled that the kid selling the tickets only sold us 3 tickets (vs. 5). I told him that I had 3-3 year olds (after he informed me that all patrons age 3 and older need tickets). I think it was his random act of kindness and I well, loved it! Thanks!

Tomorrow: parent/teacher conference for G Neurologist appt for M - first appt this week (of 2) Orthopedist for K - first appt ever Happy Hour - for my "assistant" at work - who is headed to grad school after Friday! Go Megan! and... a day "off" for this weary Mama

Other firsts:
"First" steal - see that excitement on Mem's face!
First weekend away in a cabin with all of the kids (well, just one night away):

First bouquet by K:

First "Mexican" in our front yard. Note, she recently told me that she wants to grow up to be a Mexican Indian?! Honey, you are German, Norweigan and African. No Mexican or Indian.

First Mother's Day gift from 4:

Fingerprints

After any holiday that yields a turkey being cooked in my oven, I make 2-4 Turkey Pot Pies. I like making them. I feel good about them. My Mom says it is the best meal I make. I like it.

So me:

A general plan.

Organized Chaos.

Throw together what you have.

Make it work.

=K's Turkey Pot Pie

Last week, I made 2 Turkey Pot Pies (following Christmas) and filling to freeze for 2 more pies.

As I was making them, Kenzie climbed up to the counter to watche. Quiet. Observant. Simple.

I placed the bottom pie crusts in both pie plates. I turned to something and when I turned back I saw a happy, contented, delighted child making fingerprints all over one of the crusts. She smiled up at my with pride. I smiled back and told her: "OK, thanks. We are all done with that one" like it was part of the process.

I instantly thought of something I'd once read - back in my scrapbooking days. It was about living a life that shows God's fingerprints. I Googled. I didn't find it but I found a couple of other interesting things:

And I can see the fingerprints of God

When I look at you

I can see the fingerprints of God

And I know it's true

You're a masterpiece that all creation

Quietly applauds

And you're covered with

The fingerprints of God

-a song by Steven Curtis Chapman

Then, I read a blog post on parenting children with different personalities. Wow, is that ever the situation here. We have an easy-going child, a very STRONG-willed child, a generally strong-willed child and one that I haven't quite figured out - my fingerprint maker.

This post from a mother of three boys reminded me of how our children are like fingerprints and snowflakes - all a little bit different. All unique. And the outcome we should seek:

A child. An adult....with the fingerprints of God all over. What they say, what they do, how they act, and how they demonstrate the love of their True Father.

Focus: parenting children with different personalities may require different techniques but the goal is the same: Adults who are loving children of God; in whom the world can see the Fingerprints of God.