Camping, Camper and Raw Emotions

I had 13 days off. Trying to use up some vacation that I'd lose on 6/1, I just stayed home for a week and then we went camping for 5 days. It started as a 4 day trip but we stayed an extra night because things were going so well.

Well, mostly going well.

We camped in our new camper (that we didn't get to bring home due to problems with the hitch), we went on a boat ride and got to touch under-the-ocean creatures, hiked where I'd hiked with my Mom as a little girl, visit with lots of family, play sporty games with an uncle and a guy cousin (male interaction for my kids is so important and lacking), etc. We ate smores. Every. single.night. The twins slept pretty well with ~6-10 outbursts per night...but slept, mostly.

Mostly well.

Except, I actually admitted that I'm having attachment issues with one of my kids. Admitted to myself. To my Mom (who was along on this trip). I've known this inside but to admit it verbally meant "I really have to deal with this." I don't even know HOW to deal with this.

3 kids I love deeply. Differently but yet the same - I'm their Mom. They are my children. The fourth. Oh, Dear Lord, help me. Help her.

Then, we returned home. And miraculously she seems to be reaching out to me. She still drives me crazy and I don't "get" her. But maybe, a glimpse of hope. Maybe.

What am I going to do if that bonding never comes? Do I move forward with the adoption? Do I (gasp) let her go? If I let her go, I let her sister go (you know, one of those kids I love deeply and have a great bond with). They are a package deal.

Then, in the night, I realized...I have to learn to love/attach/etc... I have to or I lose two. I'll lose a daughter. And, she'll lose a Mama, again. Actually, they'll both lose a Mama - again. And the kids will lose each other (the 4 of them). The second one still seems like someone else's child but the other - she's my daughter and I'm her Mama. So, is it wrong that I have to bond with the second to continue to be the first one's Mom?

Oh, that seems wrong.
Shouldn't I love her for who she is?
Can I?
Can she?

Will she ever fully trust me? Love me? Let me love her?

Will the day ever come when I touch her without hearing her say "OUCH!"? I mean come on - I can't possibly hurt her (unintentionally) every time I touch her! Or, does she feel pain? Do I represent pain to her? Deep pain of her loss? Oh, wow. That is deep.

What am I not providing that she needs? She seems so unsure of herself and her life. Is this normal? Typical? Will it ever change.

What impact does my focus on bonding with her have on the other three kids - the time I spend with her and not with them?

How can there be a child that I can't bond with? How can that be?

Is there a line in the sand that I can't cross on the adoption journey? Do I adopt knowing these things? If I write this out and I adopt, will this post come back to bite me someday?

What do parents who bring their children home from across the oceans do - you know, those toddlers/preschoolers who they don't get a "try-out" period and with whom bonding doesn't happen?

What do parents who birth children who never really bond do?

It's been nearly 10 months.
She was actually the "easier" child in the beginning and her sister was my challenge. That has passed - some time ago.

Oh the guilt.
And, what if "the state" finds out. Can I admit this? Will they come tomorrow and retrieve the kids and their belongings ... never to be seen again?

What if this doesn't work? Is my family complete with two? How can I be thinking about another placement? I have already learned that another child doesn't replace those lost. There is always a hole in my heart. Then, the guilt - how can I even be thinking about the future when the present is so...rocky.

Is this why I've been unable to settle on a middle name for this child? Is she not going to be my child? Was this just for a season? What is/was the Lord trying to teach me? Mold me? Teach my children? Teach M & K?

How.can.this.possibly.be.my.life? Oh wait, I'm supposed to be rejoicing in all things?! Really? How?

And, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Really? Yeah, really.

Oh Lord. Wisdom? Strength? Love? I need them all.